


You Matter to Me

by moonbeambucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 05:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17440904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbeambucky/pseuds/moonbeambucky
Summary: Bucky learns what it means to matter to someone, to have them see him for who he truly is while learning the value of loving himself.





	You Matter to Me

**Author's Note:**

> Written on tumblr for @writing-what-writing 100 Followers Writing Challenge. This was inspired by the song “You Matter to Me” from Waitress the Musical.

There was little hesitance in the mind of Steve Rogers when the opportunity to become an experimental super soldier was given to him. Steve was a good man, whose qualities were amplified along with his newly expanded frame. Tenuous tissue was replaced by strong, corded muscle, his long list of ailments were expelled by fully functioning lungs and a powerful pumping heart. With this, Steve was able to finally prove his worth and make a difference in the fight he believed in. Bucky Barnes was not as fortunate.

Bucky received a similar formula that, unlike Steve, was forced upon him against his will. The serum itself was an estimation of what made up the original. It sharpened his already bright mind, built upon his muscular frame, strengthened his skills and worst of all, allowed him to survive a fall that should have been his death. Bucky regrets living from the moment his eyes strained to open after hitting the solid snow, for this was the day he truly died.

From that point on he was no longer a person but an object. His body was violated as metal was fused to flesh, burning its way deep into his soul. He was an asset, the choice weapon used to kill on behalf of Hydra. When he was not discharged for destruction he was put aside, frozen on ice until they needed him again.

He was brainwashed to forget but if a piece of himself slipped through and he found the courage to fight it was wiped out of him. His life was erased over and over, his memories annihilated because Hydra needed a cold assassin devoid of emotion, a soldier to obey their command. Although Bucky is now free from his captors he doesn’t think he’ll ever be free from the damage left in their wake.

Life was easier in Wakanda, as the sun’s strong glow kissed the beautiful plains he was grateful to tend to. His simple hut provided shelter and peace for his healing mind, the goats brightened his day and playing with the children lifted his heart.

Now that he was living in the compound Bucky was having a hard time adjusting. There were too many people always bothering him. Steve meant well, asking Bucky every day if he’d join him for a run. Bucky wanted to, he missed Steve and didn’t want to disappoint him more than he feels he already has but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

There was too much noise. Wanda was learning guitar, making noise; Sam was, well Sam was always loud, whether he was busting Bucky’s balls for not training or reluctantly asking him to join everyone for dinner. Bucky shuddered at the thought, all those people, all the noise. He couldn’t handle it. Bucky retreated to his room, spending restless nights trying to quiet his mind again; wanting to run away to a simple life again, longing for peace.

Bucky had been spending so much time alone he didn’t realize a new member had joined the team until he was called on for a mission, suddenly not recognizing the cheerful face of the stranger that walked aboard the quinjet.

His elbow nudged Steve as he was buckling himself in the seat, asking about the newcomer, learning her name was Y/N, and that she had been living in the compound for nearly a month now. Bucky felt like an asshole. Had he really been isolating for that long?

Bucky watched as Y/N took her seat across from him, she was deeply focused on her conversation with Wanda though her hands nervously checked that her seatbelt was buckled tight enough. He could tell she wasn’t used to the quinjet and based on the way her leg was bouncing he assumed this was her first mission.

A memory floods back to his mind. Bucky sits hunched over in a trunk, squeezed together between his fellow soldiers, he blows out cold puffs of air as his stiff hands grip his rifle. His leg bounces up and down and he tells himself he’s doing this to keep warm as they travel through the brisk air of the morning but Bucky knows just how nervous he really is as he makes his way towards his first battle, hoping to survive.

Bucky’s eyes widen as he comes back from that buried memory, focusing on his surroundings again. He finds Y/N nodding her head at what Wanda was saying. Bucky’s assumptions were right he overheard Wanda going over procedure in case she got into trouble, but she encouraged Y/N that she was prepared for the mission.

Bucky couldn’t take his eyes off of Y/N, watching the way her body relaxed under Wanda’s comforting pep talk. She was stunning with an effortless beauty he’s never seen before. Self-imposed isolation had taken its toll on Bucky, not realizing he lost his touch of subtly as Wanda’s eyes flitted in his direction. Crinkled lines formed around her green eyes as she grinned, catching Bucky staring at Y/N.

Y/N noticed Wanda’s smile, following her gaze towards the one person she had yet to meet since arriving at the compound. Her breath was stolen from her as she took him in. Y/N knew all about Bucky Barnes before joining the team but nothing prepared her for the true beauty of the man that sat before her.

His frame filled out the seat as bulging muscles competed for space besides Steve Rogers. Strands of long hair framed his face, a hint of pink dusted his cheeks though not as rosy the color of his lips that looked softer than she imagined. His mouth was turned slightly down as his chiseled jaw was clenched tightly as he stared towards the floor.

She couldn’t deny how gorgeous he was but in the midst of her observation Y/N felt like an idiot. Bucky had been sitting on the quinjet for a while, since before she had come aboard, but she was too preoccupied with nerves to even notice him.

“H-hi,” she squeaked out, gaining the attention of Bucky as he looked towards her.

His saddened eyes never quite met hers making Y/N feel even worse. She was told not to take offense to Bucky’s absence and she understood, he had been through so much, it was understandable that he needed space. Now that he was here she felt terrible, ignoring him instead of introducing herself.

“My name’s Y/N,” she said nervously. “I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself before. It’s nice to meet you Sergeant Barnes.”

The sound of her voice was melodic and Bucky perked up hearing the way his name fell from her lips like a song. His eyes connected with Y/N’s own sparkling ones and the smile she offered him shined brighter than the Wakandan sun.

Letting out the breath he was holding, Bucky replied with a greeting, trying desperately to steady the shakiness in his voice.

Y/N’s smile grew wider at the softness of his tone, a harsh contrast to what she expected. He apologized for being distant and extended his hand across to hers. Y/N leaned forward to allow her own hand to meet his, and once again Bucky Barnes surprised her.

His hand was warm and velvety smooth, bearing no remnants of a man who’s lived the life that Bucky has. The moment their skin connected Bucky felt the plates of his metal arm shift with excitement. Y/N didn’t feel the whir of his metal appendage but sparks still surged through her veins. Bucky stared at her, his mouth falling open as he swore he saw electricity dancing in her eyes.

Their touch was cut off by Tony who began going over the plan. Y/N listened intently while Bucky focused on the nervous way she chewed on her bottom lip. He believed she would be fine, she had come far enough and proved herself worthy to join the team, but Bucky took it upon himself to watch her back during the mission just in case.

Y/N was jumping with nerves as she bounced into the quinjet, a smile never leaving her face as her teammates congratulated her for a job well done. She moved from each person, throwing her arms around them in a hug until she abruptly stopped as she faced Bucky.

Y/N didn’t know if he would be comfortable with a hug. She had become close to the rest of the team over the last month, something she was not afforded with Bucky as he kept away from her. Not just her, she finds comfort in thinking; Bucky had rarely seen anyone except for Steve on occasion, but she  _wanted_ to get to know him.

Y/N had a bit of a crush on Bucky, something that kept growing as her days in the compound passed despite never meeting the mysterious soldier. After meeting him earlier, Y/N wondered how her heart will fair. Love has been unkind to her in the past so she knows not to hold on to hope that her feelings would ever be returned.

Respecting what she believed would be an inappropriate touch Y/N dropped her hands, forgoing the hug she desperately wanted to embrace him in and reached her hand out towards Bucky for celebratory handshake.

Bucky’s lips tugged to the side as he tried to hide his disappointment. He wanted nothing more than to feel her arms around him, their bodies pressed together as he memorized her scent. Instead, a hand was put forth. Although Y/N was right in front of him Bucky has never felt further away from her than he did while shaking her hand.

If there was a ever a fire in her eyes that burned for him it was extinguished by the distance put forth with her handshake. Bucky was wrong to believe Y/N would ever have feelings for him, he knows no one could ever love him, not anymore.

Every part of him is tainted, dripping in red from all of the blood shed because of his actions. He’s tried to rationalize his past, tell himself that he didn’t have a choice but it does nothing to wash away crimson stain on his hands. Even his metal arm looks tarnished by the impurities of his soul.

Even if he didn’t conjure up the feelings he hoped Y/N had for him it wouldn’t be fair to her to be with him anyway. As much as he wants to picture himself with Y/N, to bring out her laughter that he already knows would be as infectious as her beautiful smile, to love every part of her with all that’s left of him he knows he can’t.

Bucky spent years with his mind in a blender, as jagged blades tore away at everything that made him whole. Bucky didn’t matter to Hydra, they only wanted to shape their asset and now he was left to suffer the consequences of their actions.

If Bucky was unable to leave his room for a whole month how would he ever be in a relationship? He knows how selfish that would be of him, how he would disappoint her time and time again until she wouldn’t be able to take it anymore. He didn’t want to give Y/N any false hope that he could be something he’s not, he couldn’t break her heart that way, so Bucky resolves to become simply her teammate.

Over the next month Bucky tried to make an effort not to isolate himself so much anymore. When Steve asked him to join in on his runs Bucky surprised him by not declining, when he heard Wanda practicing guitar he asked if he could sit and listen to her play, and when Sam teased him for not training Bucky tackled him straight to the ground, flashing a playful smile as he warned his friend to bring his A game at the gym.

A surprised gasp left Y/N’s mouth as Bucky then helped Sam up. She was happy to see Bucky socializing again, hopeful for the chance to get to know him. Bucky caught a glimpse of Y/N, looking even more beautiful than he last saw her, trading her body hugging tactical suit for a pair of leggings and an oversized sweater. She looked comfortable and soft.

Bucky catches his thoughts bordering the line he does not want to cross, so he shoots her a quick nod and abruptly exits the room, leaving Y/N to feel dejected. Bucky hated the wall he was putting up for her but he convinced himself it was for the best.

When Y/N attempted to make conversation Bucky kept his answers short, not letting her in because he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t give her a glimpse of the person he wanted to be knowing it was just a false promise. He hated what he was doing, internally fawning over her everyday while wearing the mask of indifference.

These thoughts poisoned his mind, reminding him once again that there was nothing to love about him. He was a liar, unworthy of Y/N or anyone’s friendship. Bucky tossed and turned again each night as these thoughts raced throughout his mind. He battled with himself, fighting the part of him that wanted to run away. If not Wakanda, then somewhere, anywhere.

But Bucky was resilient, wanting to fight the negativity that dwelled within. When he realized he couldn’t sleep he channeled his frustrations out at the gym. Pounding away at the heavy bags, drenched in sweat until he was too exhausted to continue. It helped keep the dark thoughts at bay, allowing him to stay at the compound and make things right in the world again one mission at a time.

Missions had increased a lot lately as Hydra began to regroup. Sometimes the Avengers were away for weeks at a time, with sleep becoming scarce for all, the consequences of which took their toll on Y/N. On their last mission she struggled to keep her heavy eyes open during a stake out. The half-second her lids slipped shut she failed to spot her target which left devastating consequences.

That night Bucky couldn’t sleep but this time his own issues weren’t keeping him up, he was worried about Y/N. She didn’t speak to anyone, shedding silent tears as the guilt of her actions settled deeply on her conscience. Innocent blood was on her hands, something Bucky was very familiar with. She wasn’t the first to make a mistake and she won’t be the last.

Bucky swung his legs over the side of his bed and got up. He walked down the hall towards Y/N’s room, his hand clenched together hovering at the door as he debated knocking. She locked herself in there when they got back, skipping the debriefing in fear of what anyone would have to say.

His hand falls back at his side and Bucky sighs, deciding to give Y/N space. Heading towards the gym Bucky’s sensitive hearing picks up the sounds of frustrated grunts. The lights are already on, the bright fluorescents shining on Y/N’s sweat glistened skin as she punches the heavy bag with all her might.

Bucky watches her sloppy form, throwing every part of herself into each swing. It was clear she didn’t care, she just wanted to hit something and Bucky understands that. He was going to back away slowly before she saw him but he noticed the improper way she had taped up her hands and he couldn’t let her get hurt.

Taking a few steps in Bucky cleared his throat softly hoping to catch Y/N’s attention without startling her. When that didn’t work he called out her name and she stopped, holding onto the swinging bag as she caught her breath.

Bucky felt his heart shatter seeing Y/N up close. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen with tear tracks staining her cheeks like scars. Catching his gaze Y/N turns her head away in shame, breaking the silence that filled the room.

“If you’re here to lecture me save it,” she rasped. “I know I fucked up.”

The somber in her voice catches him off guard. Bucky’s never seen this side of her before. It’s something he’s all too familiar with, self-hatred taking over rational thought.

He softens his expression and gently outstretches his hands towards Y/N’s, feeling the heat radiating from her skin. His soft palm holds her hand as he stares at the misshapen wrapping of tape that left her knuckles exposed and bloodied. Y/N winces as cool metal fingers gently glide across her broken skin.

“I wanted to rewrap your hand before you hurt yourself, doll,” Bucky said, not realizing the nickname he let slip off his tongue.

Instead of seeing his gesture as kind and caring Y/N is blinded by her faults. She pulls her hand from his, tightening her fists as she punches the bag again.

“Fuck! I can’t… fucking… do…. anything… right!” she cries in between hits, blood splattering from her wounds onto the fabric. “I can’t tape my goddamn hand, I can’t stay awake for a fucking mission!”

Bucky attempts to reason with her, that everyone was lacking sleep but Y/N cut him off.

“But everyone else managed to do their job. Don’t you get it Bucky? People died. People died because of  _me_!”

Y/N braced herself against the bag, leaning her forehead against the weighted bag that feels like feathers compared to the weight of her mind that drowns her in guilt. “I shouldn’t be here,” she sobbed, as tears escaped from the corner of her scrunched eyes.

“Don’t say that…” Bucky began.

“But it’s true! I’m not a hero… I’m nothing… I should go, you’ll be better off without me!” she claims.

Y/N tugs at the tape wrapped around her hands, fighting with the material to twist it off as she walks away. Tears leak onto her hands and she sniffles a few times to keep the wetness in her nose from dripping. Bucky knows she’s upset but she can’t leave.

Dashing in front of her his large frame halts Y/N before she reaches the door.

“Y/N,” he pleads her name gently, “I know how you feel, you’re not alone. These past weeks have been tough on everyone. I promise that no one blames you for what happened.”

She scoffs at his words, not believing them and attempts to get around his large frame but Bucky blocks her. Y/N eyes his hands cautiously as they rise from his side and she jumps when they meet her own. His touch is soft just as Y/N remembered from the day they met but for she expected otherwise. She shouldn’t be treated to soft touches or kind words. She should feel pain, as retribution for the lives lost because of her, she  _wants_ to feel the pain.

Bucky gently unwraps the tape from her hands, flakes of dried blood fall to the ground as he untwists the material from her beaten hands. He inhales deeply, blowing out a heavy sigh so forceful Y/N can feel the pain he carries in his breath.

“You’re not alone Y/N. We all carry regret with us, every single one. We’ve lost people, killed people. It’s not easy to accept and I’m not tellin’ ya to forget but you’re here ‘cause you wanna help make the world a better place. I know you don’t think that’s possible right now but it is and we can’t do it without you.”

Y/N’s hands throb as her skin is released from its binding that Bucky tossed to the floor.

“You matter to this team, to all of us.” Bucky pauses for a moment, looking into Y/N’s eyes as he gathered the courage to admit, “You matter to me.”

Y/N throws herself against him and Bucky’s arms instantly wrap around her. She lets go, allowing her tears to flow freely, each droplet filled with the negativity she’s held onto since the mission. She cries out for regret, for guilt, for sorrow, and somewhere deep within she finds small tears of relief.

Y/N was relieved to learn she meant something to Bucky. She was trying so hard to fit in, to be liked by all the members that made up her new family and every time she tried to be friendly with Bucky she hit a wall. Knowing he cared meant the world to her, it was the light that brought her out of the dark place she settled in.

Y/N cried against him, making a damp mess of his shirt until there was nothing left for her body to give.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she pulled away from him, staring into the soft blue of his kind eyes.

Y/N’s lips were pulled up slightly to one side, a barely there smile that meant the world to Bucky because he saw the truth in her eyes. His advice helped her through this, because of him Y/N felt better. His heart raced at the thought that he was the reason she smiled. Every part of him became instantly addicted to the notion of wanting to always make her smile.

He walks her to her room and they embrace again, her scent invading every cell of his body, cracking the foundation of the wall he built around himself. Bucky shut his eyes that night knowing he has the courage to be her friend, keeping the smallest flame of hope within that they could maybe be something more.

Y/N and Bucky began to slowly start a friendship but the closer he wanted to get, Bucky found it harder to fight his intrusive thoughts; the doubts that crept back up reminding him he would never be good enough for her. He thought it would be easier, that if he believed in himself everything would follow but healing is not linear. Some days were better than others, other days he struggled to be around the group.

Bucky was managing his emotions until he was hit with a wave of depression he couldn’t shake. He isolated again as his negative thoughts amplified, drowning him in solitude. He wanted to leave, to get away from everybody because he couldn’t deal with himself any longer, and he didn’t want to burden his friends yet again.

Y/N was shocked to see Steve outside Bucky’s door, begging for entry. She locked eyes with him, understanding the sorrow he didn’t speak. Bucky was in a bad place and he needed help.

It was a few days later when Y/N decided to go to Bucky’s door. Most of the team had gone on a mission while she and Bruce stayed behind, although he was heading out for a science conference later that day. She waited until they were completely alone in the compound, pacing nervously in her room as she gave herself a pep talk.

Her knuckles rap softly against his door and she waits a moment before calling out his name.

“It’s just me,” Y/N said. “Everyone’s gone, y-you can come out.”

Bucky hears the shakiness in her voice, wondering if she’s scared of him, the monster locked in its cage. Truthfully Y/N is nervous. If Steve couldn’t get Bucky to come out she had large doubts that she could, but it didn’t stop her from trying.

Y/N isn’t sure what to say or if he was even listening but her lips parted and she spoke from the heart.

“Things have been extraordinarily hard on you and I can’t pretend to say I know what that feels like but you’re not alone. We’re here for you,  _I’m_  here for you. This isn’t something you should go through alone. Please, Bucky, come out of hiding, I’m right here.”

Y/N is silent as she listened for movement inside. A few moments pass and all she hears is the familiar silence she was met with before. She called out his name again promising that she’ll stay there, outside his room for as long as he lets her.

Y/N knew she couldn’t force him into opening up to her and if he asked her to leave she would but for now she settled on the floor, with her back against the wall beside his door. Crossing and uncrossing her legs as the minutes ticked by, occasionally checking the light from under his door for movement. Y/N’s head tips back against the wall as her eyes shut and it’s not until she hears the slightest stirring from inside the room behind her that she opens them.

Bucky knows she’s been sitting there, knowing she hadn’t left since the moment she knocked on his door. He hoped if he didn’t answer that she would go away and live her life, she must have had better things to do than wait outside his door. But Y/N didn’t move.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked, his voice strained from lack of use.

Y/N jumped to her feet hearing his broken voice. She placed her palm against the door, wishing it could be Bucky beneath her touch instead of the cold steel.

“Because… you matter to me.”

Y/N inhaled a quick breath, picturing Bucky on the opposite side, desperate for a lifeline to pull him out of the depths of his mind.

“When I look at you I see the aftermath of your past, the sadness that lingers in your eyes, the way they scream in pain from all of the things you’ve seen yet you can’t quite say and I know you don’t deserve that. You deserve so much happiness. You’re a good person Bucky, a  _great_ person.”

Tears well in his eyes as he listens to her words, fighting to believe in them.

“The night after that mission I wanted to give up, I was ready to leave everything but you were there for me. You made me see the light when all my mind wanted was to stay in the dark. You helped me so please let me help you. You matter, Bucky, I promise you do.”

Bucky’s eyes stung with tears that streamed steadily down his cheeks. He was so focused on running away, from his team and himself, because he was scared. But now he knows that Y/N sees him, every part of himself, the darkness and the light, and he wants to stay.

Bucky wants to do better, to be better and not give up. He’s fought for so long but now he’s fighting for himself. He sees the road ahead and knows that it won’t always be a clear path. He  _will_ stumble but he  _will_ get up. He is scared but he’s not afraid.

The door opens to Y/N’s surprise and there Bucky stands, wearing stained grey sweatpants and a black hoodie with a frayed hem. His head is slung low as stringy strands of hair fall in front of his face. He looks so small with his shoulders slumped down and without saying anything she moves towards him.

Y/N wraps her arms around Bucky, letting her actions speak for her now. He feels the strength of her embrace, the comfort she gives him and he nuzzles into her neck. His tears fall once again because he knows he’s safe with her, he’s free to be himself, to open up to her because she sees him, because she matters to him too, he tearfully whispers against her skin.

Bucky isn’t sure how long she’s been holding onto him, but he knows that when they do let go things will be alright. He doesn’t worry about whatever the future holds for them, ignoring the doubts in his mind. He allows himself happiness because finally he realizes the value of his own life, that he matters too.


End file.
